I’ve been bad about posting since June 15th. I put everything aside and let the healing take place. I’ve finally returned from 6 weeks in California in the San Bernadino mountains. Surprised to some extent how far I needed to go, slowly but surely my body became incrementally better. I found it difficult to be active and maintain momentum around physical tasks well into August. Yoga was a bitch at first and I still struggle with poses, especially balance poses. It was little humiliating. I’ve lost muscle as well as weight, and it needs to be built back up. I had the 3 month pet scan which tests for the treatment’s success. I got the all clear and reviewed the scans, slice by slice with my doctor. Very grateful to get this news. When I think about all the people that helped me, spoke to me, guided, me advised me I was humbled. I tried to reach out to everyone and say thanks. So much knowledge and experience.
There was a lovely experience at the end of a yoga class during shivasina (ironically “corpse pose”). All the major cakras, front and back, stood out from my body looking similarly to a trumpet flower. They were appropriately colored and bore a corresponding number of leaves as per my understanding. It was a gorgeous site to behold. Each was vibrant and dynamic and crisp. The subtle body gave me the A-OK well in advance of my last Dr’s appointment. This was a soothing balm. To be within the chamber of something so ancient, so much smarter than me, but also to be able to see it and experience directly.
Despite the difficulty of this treatment, there were so many little gifts like this, either from my self, meditations, yoga moments, or the care of others, especially Mary Ann but also all those who came to visit. It is so basic to receive the kindness and well wishes of others. It touches you and changes you. It reminds you that you are in concert with others always and forever.
I’m cautiously grateful for the medical system. I say cautiously because they are clearly so confined by the legality of what they do that they under communicate— by design. I liken it to going to a heavily defended chinese restaurant. You can hear mandarin spoken as the primary language. They will answer questions but nothing is offered. Exchanges takes place through layers of bullet proof glass with minimum exposure. Many of people are well meaning enough but you’re on your own. Without your own support network I’m not sure how anyone would do. The nurses are the primary communicators. I feel that the translate between the Dr and the patient. Different doctors have different modalities.
This is probably my last post in The Chronicle. I am gratefully relieved, maybe quietly ecstatic to still be here. Now I have some more time to get my drill together, whatever that might be. I went looking for a picture of someone ecstatic, someone that could encompass how I feel. John Currin, Golden Nude.
